


Go F*ck Yourself

by River9Noble



Series: BatLantern Week 2021 [3]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, Green Lantern - All Media Types
Genre: BatLantern Week 2k21, Batlantern - Freeform, Bisexual Character, Body Swap, Enemies to Lovers, Humor, M/M, Romance, bruhal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-16 01:23:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29942370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/River9Noble/pseuds/River9Noble
Summary: Green Lantern Hal Jordan and Batman end up body swapped after an alien battle. Which is basically the worst thing ever, except for how cool it is to see how hot their own bodies look from an outsider's perspective. (BATMAN:It's so not cool, Hal.HAL:Are you kidding me? I'm so hot!BATMAN:I hate you. Give me my body back.)(BatLantern Week 2k21 - Day 3 - Body Swap)
Relationships: Hal Jordan/Bruce Wayne
Series: BatLantern Week 2021 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2198925
Comments: 12
Kudos: 60
Collections: Batlantern Week, Bisexual Visibility, Queer Characters Collection





	Go F*ck Yourself

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to my Twinnie and Twinnie-in-Law who share the BunnyJess account for their beta reads! Love you guys!! 
> 
> Written for BatLantern Week 2k21 - Day 3: **Body Swap** || Space

"Zatanna!" Batman snarled, as soon as she finally opened up to the repeated pounding on her door.

The magician raised an elegant eyebrow.

"Is this a new kind of foreplay, Bats?" she said in a sultry voice as she ran a finger up his kevlared chest. "Making me come to the door?" she added, when Batman simply stared at her.

"You've fucked Zatanna, too?!" Batman finally screamed in shock, whirling around only to get shouldered aside by the Green Lantern, who was pushing past Batman with a nastier scowl on his face than Zatanna could ever recall seeing GL sport, and wearing civilian clothes, no less, with only a domino on.

"Who I've slept with is none of your damn business, Lantern!" the Green Lantern snapped as he strode past Batman.

"It's sure as hell my business when I'm wearing your dick and your face!" BatHal screamed back at him.

"Both a vast improvement on yours, so quit complaining!" GreenBats growled back at him. "We both know who got the _shorter_ end of the stick!" he said, glancing down in a significant manner.

"At least I know how to keep my stick in my pants at work!" Hal yelled back at him. "Who in the Justice League _haven't_ you slept with?"

"You, for one," Bats sneered.

Oh, dear, Zatanna thought to herself with a sigh, laying a tired but impeccably manicured hand to her head.

"Who cast the spell?" she asked wearily.

GreenBats and BatHal glared at each other.

"We're not sure," Bats sulked. "There's a chance it's alien tech. Which we would know for sure if Lantern here hadn't been so over-confident in his strategy and required a rescue," he glowered at the man.

Huh. That look was just as scary coming from Hal's face as it normally was on Bats.

"I did not _require_ anything," Hal growled in Batman's deep bass rumble. "I had the situation completely under control, and if you hadn't left your post to come rescue me - UNnecessarily, I might add - we wouldn't be in this mess."

"You're right," Bats sniped back. "Because you'd be dead. A situation becoming more appealing by the second."

"Boys!" Zatanna barked loudly, clapping her hands together. They jumped and looked at her as if they'd forgotten she was there.

"!og sluos seidob nwo ruoy oT" she ordered.

GreenBats looked down and frowned.

"Nope," he growled.

"Dammit," BatHal groaned.

Zatanna pursed her lips up.

"That should have worked," she said.

"Fabulous," BatHal said sarcastically. "Got another great plan, Spooky? Cause this one's working out about as well as your plan to 'rescue' me did."

"An action I am deeply regretting, if it's any consolation," GreenBats snapped.

"I'll call Constantine and Doctor Fate to consult," Zatanna said in what she hoped was a soothing tone. "In the meantime, I'd suggest contacting the Lantern Corps for any additional information on the aliens you were fighting. It's possible their tech is somehow impervious to magic."

"You really think tech did this, though?" Hal said skeptically.

"I don't know," Zatanna shrugged. "But we do know that Nth metal disrupts magical fields," she said with a suddenly mischievous smile on her face. "Go have Shayera knock you both around a little bit with her mace and see what happens," she said.

"Come on," GreenBats growled, dragging BatHal towards the door by his arm.

"You don't actually want to try that?" Hal said, dropping his jaw.

"It's a sound strategy," Batman said seriously.

"Let me know how it turns out," Zatanna cheerfully called after them as they left.

* * *

Not well, as it turned out.

"Owww," BatHal moaned, rocking on the floor.

"You're such a baby," Shayera scolded him.

"You were wearing armor," GreenBats added. "My armor," he said.

"I hardly tapped you," Shayera smirked.

"Hardly tap him," Hal muttered back at her from the floor.

"Unnecessary," GreenBats said, laying his bare hand on the mace. "Nothing," he reported.

"Then why did Shayera have to hit me?" BatHal screamed from the floor. "I could have done that too!"

"That would have been less fun," Shayera said.

"And you were the one wearing armor," Bats said.

"I hate you both," Hal grumbled.

* * *

"Gimme my ring back," Hal insisted when Batman was about to leave him in the hall to head into his own Watchtower quarters, hoping to catch a few hours sleep while they waited on the Corps and Zatanna to research new options to get them back in their rightful bodies.

"Give me my armor back," Batman countered.

"Fine," Hal sulked.

Spooky entered his room without another word and Hal followed, but he frowned when he tried to unclip the BatBelt.

"How the hell does this come off?" he said.

Spooky heaved a sigh and stepped up into his space, his face inches from Hal's while he slid his fingers under the belt and worked some secret catches to unsnap it.

"What?" GreenBats growled, and God, that was weird.

"My face looks different," Hal said thoughtfully.

"You're used to seeing the mirrored reflection," Spooky grumbled out.

"Voice sounds weird, too," Hal commented. "I know, I know," he said before Spooky could Batsplain. "Eardrums, location of vocal cords, blah blah blah."

"Hn," Bats grunted as he worked on the armor catches and clasps, but it sounded so pouty in Hal's voice that he laughed.

"You're cute as me," Hal commented. He giggled even more at seeing the Batglower appear on his face. "Damn," he said. "That's kinda hot."

"Oh, for God's sake," Spooky snapped as he removed the cowl and chest armor from his soul-swapped body.

"What?" Hal said with a cheeky grin. "Don't you think _you_ look hot?" he said, holding his now bare arms out and giving a twirl.

Spooky rolled his eyes and grabbed his hips.

"Let me get the pants off."

"Now you're talking!" Hal said delightedly, getting an exasperated sigh as Bats continued to remove the armor. "You need to strip, too," Hal said when he was finally down to his boxers.

His own face gave him a cold stare back.

"Come on, Spooky! I want to see how my ass looks!" Hal pleaded with him. "Pleeeeeease?" he said when Bats crossed his arms over his chest. "It's my body," he pouted. "It's not like I'm asking _you_ to get naked."

"You are insufferable," Spooky told him.

"So you've told me," Hal replied. "Repeatedly."

Batman sighed heavily. But then he pulled the t-shirt off over his head and slid his gym pants off.

"Happy?" he said, turning around in his boxer briefs to show off Hal's ass.

"Damn!" Hal said, sounding absolutely delighted. "I do have a hot ass! Yeah, I'm super happy!" he said, bending down and squeezing both globes.

"Hal!" Spooky hissed, turning around and batting his hands away.

"Oh," Hal said, sounding crestfallen. "Sorry. I got carried away. You want to squeeze your ass?" he offered, turning away and sticking it out.

"No," Spooky growled, but he sounded like he was trying not to laugh.

"You sure?" Hal said, giving him a coquettish look over his shoulder and placing a fingertip in his mouth. "This is kind of a once in a lifetime chance to fuck yourself."

"You think we should have sex," Batman said flatly.

"It would be wild," Hal grinned. "Aren't you a little curious?" he said when Spooky didn't immediately rebuff him.

Bats huffed out a sigh and rolled his eyes, but he didn't say no.

"I feel kinda hurt you've slept with everybody except me, ya know," Hal said, jutting out his lower lip.

"Not everybody," Spooky said dismissively, but his lips twisted up into a half-smile. "Z is kind of a … former friend with benefits situation. She was teasing earlier. We don't do that anymore."

"Ok," Hal said, shimmying his hips a little bit. "Bet you have a lot of those situations, though, huh?" he asked him.

"No, actually," Bats said, sitting down on top of his bed and stretching his legs out long in front of him while he propped his hands up behind his head.

"Oh, they're all current friends with benefits?" Hal asked him, spinning back to face him and strutting across the room with high, prancing knees.

"Please don't do that," Bats said, grimacing. "You're going to scar me for life." Hal laughed and plopped down next to him on the bed instead, leaning back on a pillow.

"Keep spilling the tea," he said, patting Spooky's knee. "Current friends with benefits? Who else is gonna be hitting on me?"

"I can't imagine anyone will be as soon as they realize it's you," Bats said drily.

"Spooky!" Hal cried in dismay. "You wound me!"

Bats snorted. Hm, it was a cute _and_ sexy sound out of Hal's mouth. He was a prize package, Hal decided. Totally worthy of Spooky's affections, but -

"How's Carol?" Spooky asked, and, "DAMN," Hal said. "Go right for the death blow, Spooks."

The GreenBat shrugged.

"How's Diana?" Hal said, leaning in closer and nudging Spooky with his shoulder.

"Disappointed," Bats said philosophically. "And moving on."

"Oh," Hal said more quietly, feeling his mood deflate. "Why didn't you ever make it work with her?" he asked curiously after a minute of silence.

Spooky fiddled with his hands for a few seconds.

"I liked someone else more," he finally said. "It wouldn't have been fair to her." Hal gave him a pitying look.

"But it didn't work out?" he said. "With the other person?"

"I don't know," Spooky said. "I never tried." Hal's jaw dropped.

"Why the hell not?" he said. "You let Wonder Woman go over them, and you haven't even asked them out? Spooky," he said chastisingly. "That's insane."

"Well, so is my attraction," Bats muttered. "Insane. Stupid. Utterly wrong for me. Drives me crazy. Most days I want to kill them."

"But you also can't stop thinking about them and you'd do anything in the world for them and all you want is for them to be happy, even if it's not with you?" Hal said, turning his head to look at him.

Bats met his eyes and slowly nodded.

"That's not attraction, Spooky," Hal said seriously. "That's love."

"I know," Spooky said miserably.

Right before he leaned in and caught his lips in Hal's. And then his tongue. And then his hand in his hair, and a knee tangled over his leg, and Hal forgot how to breathe until both of his hands were holding - his - Spooky's - face and they were both breathing hard, staring into each other's eyes.

"... me?" Hal said softly.

"You," Spooky said. He blinked when Hal suddenly grinned in his face.

"I knew this was your fault!" he said. "You came racing over to needlessly save me because you _LOVE_ me!" he crowed triumphantly, and he would've said a lot more on the matter, except Spooky flipped him over and pinned him on the mattress and began making out with him again.

"Fucking insufferable," Bats paused to growl over his lips.

"I love you, too, Spooky," Hal smiled. "But I thought all you do is sleep around."

"There aren't any other friends with benefits," Bats said, dropping a soft kiss on his lips again, "and Ollie was only in high school."

"You slept with _Ollie?_ " Hal shrieked before Spooky shut him up again.

* * *

"Yeah, I saw that coming," Shayera said to John the next morning at breakfast when Batman and Hal entered the cafeteria practically hip to hip.

"You, me, and the whole League," John grinned back at her as he got up to greet them.

"Feeling better this morning?" he asked with a knowing smile. Bats glowered at him out of his own face.

"Much," he said sarcastically. "The effects appear to have been temporary."

"Yeah, the Corps called me last night when Hal didn't answer his comm," John said.

"I was exhausted," Hal said innocently.

"I bet," John smirked. "Anyway," he said, clearing his throat when Bats glared at him, "it was a matter transformation ray. The Antarians use it to switch their taloned assault soldiers into scaled defensive troops and back in the heat of battle. Short term effectiveness only," he said.

"Oh, I think it was very effective," Hal said, sliding his eyes over to Batman.

"Extremely efficient," Batman gravely acknowledged.

But even John saw the slight uptick at the corner of his mouth, and he didn't need to be a detective like Bats to deduce that there were going to be some longterm after-effects.

_The End_

**Author's Note:**

> Hahaha hope you enjoyed!! I had a lot of fun with this one!! Comments are much appreciated! 
> 
> Stay tuned for more BatLantern stories, posting every day this week! You can check out the other event fics on the AO3 collection Batlanternweek2k21 and on Tumblr @Batlanternweek2k21
> 
> And, you can follow me on Tumblr as @River9Noble. Come say hi!


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